zondag 27 juni 2010

Let's runaway together to some place magic, let's be free & careless

Busy days. Late night partys almost everyday. Shopping yesterday; 4 new dresses and new pair of heels. Went to my parents' boat today with my family, qualitytime and soo burned. It was too hot. I always refuse to put on sunprotection because I'm scared I'll remain white. Now I look like a lobster. Been living with no make-up, do not care anymore about looking fashionable, it's too hot. Normally I like to straighten my hair but there's no time/energy.

Being little nostalgic lately. Currently listening to the soundtrack of bambi, yeah there is one. And reminiscing with my girls about our friendship and how blessed we are to have one another and what kind of changes there are coming next year. I love them so much, they've been there for me when times were rough and they've made me learn from my mistakes and they have given me the best,craziest,wildest times of my life. They're family. Thinking about the idea that next year everyone will go their own way and split and we'll only get to see eachother during the holidays makes me teary.

Also watched 'The Last Kiss', with Zach Braff & Rachel Bilson. I really liked it with the beautiful song of Joshua Radin - Starmile at the end, it was perfect. Just a perfect movie te watch en relax about love, what else. And so addicted to Arctic Monkeys - Crying Lightning, the first lines always thrill me.

Early night tonight, I could use some extra sleeptime at the moment! Tommorrow The Netherlands - Slovakia, can't waith!

headed down to tennessee

love Townes, love the vid, love this song.

vrijdag 25 juni 2010


Got back yesterday from one of my best friend's birthday. Tried to sleep. But I couldn't. Tears on my cheeks and my heart litterly hurts. How can I possibly be around someone who's the leading person in my life while I'm no one special to him? You know how hard it is to be so deeply truelly in love with someone for 4 years, so deeply that it hurts. Knowing in the back of your mind that you will NEVER be together ever again. There is no way in this story that anything could ever happen in the future. You know how powerless that makes you feel? Fysically we're so close, yet I miss him so much. I spent time with him almost everyday this couple of weeks. When I sit next to him, talking with him, smelling him, laughing, he looks into my eyes, I miss him. I miss who we once were. I hate those clingy women who're still so stuck on someone who has clearly moved on. I hate the person he turned me into. I wanna love again, love like I have never been hurt before. Yet I cannot imagine being with anyone else but him. With him in the back of my mind, I don't think I will ever be completely satisfied with someone else. I've tried it, for 4 years, always thought better will come along, but it never works. No boy can relate to him, no one could ever be as perfect as he. He is the definition of cool, sweet, loving, romantic, incredibly sexy, little bit of badass, funny.

Sorry for this winy post. I know there are worse things in life than what I'm going through but these are just the thoughts that have been keeping me busy, well for 4 years now. And because I have litterly no one to share this with since he's the boyfriend of one of my best friends and this makes me a horrible person, I have to write it down.

dinsdag 22 juni 2010

I picture you in the sun

Acceptance, now that I have my holidaybreak I won't spoil it by feeling miserable, keeping my head up and enjoying my freetime while I still have it! Loving the summer, loving my tan and my even more blonde hair. Butterflies keeping me awake at night, tired of the game though. Looking forward to the dutch game on thursday, I know I'm a girl but I just love soccer. Leaving in two weeks for Greece. Wanna see Kings of Leon live again sooooososo badly, they're touring again but nowhere near where I live :(. Listening alot to The Perishers and drinking coffee like water. Whats new? XX

zondag 20 juni 2010

It won't all go the way it should but I know the heart of life is good.

Great night yesterday with the girls, they're so sweet to me, always. They found a way to cheer me up and make me feel less miserable. Of course it's not the end of the world that I failed my exams, but it just sucks. But what's one year in a lifetime right? And I found out yesterday, which is really interesting, that the boy I secretly love, we had a thing 4 years ago but I never got over him and I'm still crazy for him. He got over me and he's happy with one of my best friends for about 2 years now. But still he's flirting with me and makes moves I don't know what to do with. This boy, is the only one who failed also. So of all the people in my year, we are the only two who have to re-do this year. During the dutch game in a bar he came up to me and said (but then in dutch ofcourse): so I suppose it's just me and you next year huh? Looks like we'll be spending some time together! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, though he's the only one on my mind, I'm trying so hard to get over him and I was so ready to leave after this year and forget all about him because it just doesn't feel good to be so completely in love with the boyfriend of one of your best friends. I want to leave him to the past. But that's not going to happen, at all. This is the way it always goes and it drives me c.r.a.z.y.:
he approaching me - me ignoring him - him approaching me even more - me ignoring him (which is hard while he's the only one I want to be around with) - him approaching me, flirting like crazy it's getting inappropiate - me responding A LITTLE - him reacting in a way like: what are you doing I have a girlfriend??
And in between those moves we're just hanging around like friends. It's complicated and I'm very curious how next year will go. In the meanwhile I'm still heartbroking about the fact I did not graduate, I'm dissapointed in myself. It doesn't feel good to fail so hard on something you did not expect. Feeling a failure does not feel good. But with my sweet, lovely, perfect best friends I'll get through!

donderdag 17 juni 2010


I don't know what to say. I did not graduate. I did not pass my exams. I will not be leaving highschool this year. It still hasn't sunk in. I got called by my mentor, saying, I failed. And all of my friends did graduate, they all pass their exams. I'm the only one of my group who failed. All my plans I made for next year, travelling, living by myself, studying, will all have to waith for another year. God I can't stop crying, I didn't expect to feel this depressed. I feel like such a failure. I hate my highschool, I hate my teachers and I was so glad I was finally leaving this stupid stupid place. One year is so so long, with zero friends, while my bf's are all out living the dream. I don't know how this has happened, didn't saw it coming at all. We planned to go crazy tonight because we'd be graduated, but I think I'll just be laying in bed. Suddenly this holiday ain't so perfect anymore.

woensdag 16 juni 2010

meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox

I am never, I repeat never going to drink another drup of Tequila. Even typing the name makes me want to hurl! I've had hangovers before, but this time it felt as if my hangover was having a hangover. I stayed in bed all day, sleeping, until I felt like eating and watched 'A Walk to Remember', cute movie! And the end did brought me to tears, but was annoyed by the way Mary was dressed. But I think that was exactly the point. Monday I watched Holland-Denemarken, and we won! Hurrahh, 2-0, party party, lots of beers were drunk and had a nice time. Ohgodd I just got back from work and I'm still havin such a headache. But I have to go with the flow, tonight another party from a friend. Will not be drinking much because tommorrow is the big day! Between 5 and 6 p.m. I will be hearing if I'm graduated or not! So nervoussss. Laterrr!

zondag 13 juni 2010


Get dirty. Get fucking filthy. Get poor. Get off your ass. Get desperate. Get dangerous. Get viliefied. Get vile. Get romantic. Get fucked. Get moving. Get productive. Get pro-active. Get started. Get your own life. Get doing something. Anything. Because before you know it you’re 40 with kids, a mortgage, and responsibilities that cause your fun to come second. So before cancer, before children, before 50 hour work weeks, before back and knee problems, before school loans, before you loose your sense of humour…


Fight and run and smile. Smile because the older you get, the less you will, so yes “quit being such a goddamn pussy,” because bitching and whining and worrying never made anything better.

-I love you magazine

wake-up call, caught me in the morning

last night:
drank too much beer;rendezvous with an old lover forget how sexy he was;drinking for courage;reconnected with another ex who cheated on me, left things to the past, forgot how easy it was to talk with him;started to have second thoughts about my futureplans;danced in a way girls should never dance, even in their drunk and stupid;went home with the wrong guy, left his place before things got really out of control.

hangovered;woke up with bruises all over, whats up with that? I always wake up totally bruised after a good night out, my knee is also wounded for some reason;busy schedule for the rest of the week;woke up one hour ago and sipping on my third coffee;not looking forward to working tonight;should really talk with the dean bout my drastic changes I think I'm gonna make for my future;cancelled on a birthdayparty this night;need a small break;sleep early.

watching the dutch soccer game in the bar with friends;will be the dutch fool, once again;totally dressed in orange;hate this colour;still very much dutch pride.

zaterdag 12 juni 2010

slow dancing in a burning room

It's not a silly little moment.. it's not the storm before the calmth. This is the deep and dying breathe of, this love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to, so I can feel you in my arms. Nobody's gonna come and save you, we pulled to many false alarms.

We're going down, and you can see it to.

We're going down, and you know that we're doomed.

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw.

How dare you say it's nothing to me? Baby you're the only light I ever saw!

I make the most of all the sadness, you be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me so you leave me feeling dirty cause you can't understand.

We're going down, and you can see it to.

Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.

busy busy busy holidaylife at the moment, lot of free time, still lots of things to do, spending every night coming together with my friends drinking, laughing, having dinner, to wake up the next morning in the afternoon to repeat it once more, combined with visiting old friends, shopping, roadtrips, free festivals and just drinking wine in the middle of the day in the city. And every now and than I have to go to work, because moneymoneymoneyy is needed! Love it, no school, no stress, nothing on my mind. Just having a good time :)

vrijdag 4 juni 2010


just a quick post, I finished my exams last week and next week I'll know if I'm graduated, very very nervous, I think I did though, it went well! I'm optimistic. So to celebrate me being finished in highschool FINALLY I went to Pinkpop, this awsome festival! had the time of my life, laying in the grass in the sun, meeting new cool people, drinking and smoking from morning till sleeptime, standing front row @ John Mayer, Temper Trap, Paolo Nutini, Biffy Clyro, rocking and being silly @ Rammstein, they're insane. And literally going CRAZY last night @ The Prodigy, they're so awsome! And hanging backstage with Temper Trap all night, meeting Green Day also here! How we got backstage, don't really know, drunk drunk, meeting the singer of the temper trap inviting us, security being difficult, jumped some fences and run for my life. Best weekend ever.