memories

Got back yesterday from one of my best friend's birthday. Tried to sleep. But I couldn't. Tears on my cheeks and my heart litterly hurts. How can I possibly be around someone who's the leading person in my life while I'm no one special to him? You know how hard it is to be so deeply truelly in love with someone for 4 years, so deeply that it hurts. Knowing in the back of your mind that you will NEVER be together ever again. There is no way in this story that anything could ever happen in the future. You know how powerless that makes you feel? Fysically we're so close, yet I miss him so much. I spent time with him almost everyday this couple of weeks. When I sit next to him, talking with him, smelling him, laughing, he looks into my eyes, I miss him. I miss who we once were. I hate those clingy women who're still so stuck on someone who has clearly moved on. I hate the person he turned me into. I wanna love again, love like I have never been hurt before. Yet I cannot imagine being with anyone else but him. With him in the back of my mind, I don't think I will ever be completely satisfied with someone else. I've tried it, for 4 years, always thought better will come along, but it never works. No boy can relate to him, no one could ever be as perfect as he. He is the definition of cool, sweet, loving, romantic, incredibly sexy, little bit of badass, funny.

Sorry for this winy post. I know there are worse things in life than what I'm going through but these are just the thoughts that have been keeping me busy, well for 4 years now. And because I have litterly no one to share this with since he's the boyfriend of one of my best friends and this makes me a horrible person, I have to write it down.