twothousand years of chasing has takin its toll

So my pc has crasheddd, I knew it was only a matter of time since appaerently I was having a illegal version of windows (???) and was downloading so much my computer couldn't take it anymore. Which really sucks since all my music and pics and movies and tvshows and schoolwork I've been gathering over the last 6 years are all gone now, never made backups.. stupid stupid stupid me.

my life at school isn't really working out for me, I only have a few more weeks left but I just can't waith to leave this hellhole they call highschool. Not so much because of the people in it, they make it more fun, but because of the retarded teachers who decided to turn our highschool into some sort of prison.

I want to kick every man who has ever said that girls are complicated/hard to figure out/from another planet or anything like this. It's really them making EVERYTHING complicated!! The guy I'm currently dating has giving me signals he's really really into me and he always takes the lead when it comes to dating, but now he's ignoring my calls and texts, really I don't even like him that much, just tell me what the * is on your mind? Next to that there's this guy I was in love with 4 years ago and never really got over and still think about almost everyday but I decided to leave things at this since he made it very clear he wasn't into me. So now, he's texting me and approaching me and flirting with me like crazy!! Stop messing with my head please.

VERYY excited for friday, when I'll be leaving good old Amsterdam for NEW YORK!!! I. can't. waith. any. LONGERRRRR! never been here before, never even been in America! and now I'm going with my family for one week. Saved all my money for the last couple of months to shop BIG TIME! ooh makes my heart sing.

So now I have to go study for my English test tomorrow, I'll just have to go through the last days here at school and than get ready for NYC! helllyezzz
xx

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him. I'd play a song that would never ever end.

So this was kind of a hard week. It always is this time of the year. Yesterday was the day my father died 3 years ago. It has already been 3 years but it still feels like I'm still accepting and getting used to the fact that he is no longer around and never will be. My father and I were a team. Always have been. For my whole life it has been my mother and my brother against me and my father. Of course I'm doing fine with my mother & brother. But I miss my father. I miss having him around and sharing my stories with him. It all happened very sudden 3 years ago. He was a confused men and was dealing with his issues alot, let's just say at some point he couldn't deal with this stuff anymore. I hate saying the word. Let's just say he found his way out. I never understood his decision and I think I never will. But I'm ok with it now, I accept it. But it doesn't take away the pain of missing him. He was the one who knew me the best and understood me. I don't believe in God, I don't believe in life after dead, but I do like to hold on to the thought that someday we will meet again. Sometime, at some place.
xx

blinding love

I've lived in darkness a long time
over the years my eyes adjusted
until the dark became my world
and I could see..

but then you turned on the light
you flooded my memory and now I'm blind
so thank you
for making me see the light again

drifting further away

been crazy busy this week with school/work and planning my future! been visiting some universities which I´ll be attending after my year of travelling next year! I´ve also been talking to a lot of people who also travelled a year after highschool, got really really excited about it, still not totally sure about where I will go, with who, there´s a possibility that I have to go alone and I´m still not sure how I feel about that, there are also so many directions you can go if you´re planning to travel, you can work/study languages/do nothing.. so still al lot to think about but I´m really excited about it, everythings looking good! tommorrow back to school so a lot of studying to do!
xoxo

waiting around to die

Sometimes I don't know where this dirty road is taking me
Sometimes I can't even see the reason why
I guess I keep on gamblin', lots of booze and lots of ramblin'
It's easier than just waiting around to die

long nights

feels like I'm 15 again; I'm grounded! seriously how old am I?? it's time to live on my own.. one year.. one year.. must survive! my horoscope told me not to be so rebellious this month.. should have listened I gues! While my friends are out partying and drinking (and texting my constantly rubbing in my face what I'm missing GRR), I'll be spending my night at home :) well luckily for me I do have season 1 of Dexter to keep me company! is it really weird that I'm addicted to this show (which is about murder and killing people) and I actually understand Dexter?
XX