All of us, we're going out tonight we're gonna walk all over your cars, oh we're gonna steal your skies

I know it's been like 6 months since I posted something on here but I just couldn't bare watching that last post 'Broken' and for it to be the last one. In the past 6 months lots has happened, The Ex broke up with his gf again, came back to me and I felt for it again, were together for couple of months when he dumped me for the second time to go back to her this was like 6 weeks ago and I haven't heard a single word of him since. It didn't even made me sad anymore, just really really mad. But I think it had to happen in order to realize that he doesn't give shit about me and he is a total asshole who doesn't deserve me. I actually believe myself when I'm saying this so that's a good thing I guess! I'm not thinking about him that often anymore since my life changed alot. I moved to a studenthome in the centre of Amsterdam with 5 other roommates, lots of fun going out drinking meeting new people, which I really needed to escape my past world including The Ex. Also I'm studying at the university of Amsterdam now, bye bye high school! Everything is different now and it's much better. I travelled alot in the summer: budapest, greece, milan and visited alot of concerts and festivals. Don't know if I'll be blogging regularly again since I'm crazy busy here but I will definitely try because I missed it! XXX

broken.

I apologize for not blogging so long. My life took a unexpected, beautiful turn a couple months back but it ended badly and here I am, spending my days in bed crying my heart out. You know that Ex I've talked about before? The one I've been in love with for the last 5 years but was in a serious relationship with one of my best friends? There's always been something between us, and 3 months back he broke up with her, for me..

She had no clue of course that I was the reason, and at first I told him to stay away from me since my friend was heartbroken about it. I felt so bad. But he kept on approaching me saying things like I can't stay away from you I want to be with you. After turning him down a couple times I gave in, because from deep within there's no one else I long for so badly.

So for the past 2,5 months we've been together, in secret, every moment we could be together we were. Talked every day for 3 hours on the phone, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to meet each other in the parking lot, both leaving the bar an hour early to go to his or mine place. We were together nonstop, going for drinks in bars we knew no one familiar would be, and just laying in eachother arms for hours and for the first time I felt what true love felt like. I have never felt more happy than the last 2,5 months spending with him, but at the same time I felt this anxiety. For the first time, I had someone to lose, only the thought of it made me gasp for air.

And than, he came in contact with his Ex again, only to found out he still had feelings for her, and now, they're back together. I was dumped by the person I've been in love with for 5 years and especially after these couple of months I know I can't love anyone else as much as I love him. But he's back with her now.

I've never felt like this, I never ever experienced these kinds of feelings before. My heart feels heavy and I'm torn from the inside. And everything I hear or see reminds me of him and it still panicks me, I'm absolutely positiv there is no one else for me I can adore this much, I want to be with 24/7. What am I supposed to do now? It hurts so bad, I never knew the human being was able to feel this pain. I normally listen to music nonstop, but even housemusic makes me cry right now. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It was only 2,5 months we actually spend together but I can't imagine going on without him. I've never felt this needy, winy and dependent. The hard part is also, because it was so secret, there's no one right now I can talk to because no one except for us knew about it.

Writing it down made me feel a little better, I hope I didn't bore you. I'm going to lay in bed right now. X

you know you're gold, oasis child, born and so wild

I haven't been to school this entire week because I'm so so sickk, there's really nothing else to do than lay in bed and rewatch my favourite shows, not that bad! Started rewatching prison break, aww how genius that show is, also watched Dexter, Sex and the City and today probably the OC, even though I've watched 1000 times, it's still so brilliant. Had a major breakthrough in my lovelife, can't really talk about it though, it's still so new.. Currently listening to: beach house - zebra & the drums - down by the water. I really hope to feel better before this weekend starts, lots of plans! XX

Miss Whoever-you-are

'You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're a chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.' You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.'
- Breakfast @ Tiffany's

like those guys with guitars I've been watching in bars

awwww the cold is driving me crazy crazy crazy :( just when I thought we were passed winter, it started freezing again, I'm just not made for the cold or for snow, I am so desperate for the summerrr again! I can't even remember how it feels to walk outside without my big jacket and snowboots!

Tonight my sweet parents are taking me to dinner to my favourite sushi restaurant where they have the best whine, because my grades are so high lately (which is rare haha).

Today I'm just relaxing at home, recovering from last night, nespresso lungo on refill and absolutely doing nothing! Currently addicted to: Julian Casablancas - 11th Dimension. Awsome track!

Good weekend everyone! xoxo

how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you?

I will not say I'm allright for you

Been raining nonstop here, as long as I'm inside I kinda like it, nothing better than falling asleep to the sound of rain. The floods in Australia & Brazil are really scaring me though, my thoughts go out to the victims out there.

progress

Haven't seen 'The Ex' for 4 weeks and I haven't been thinking about him at all, today was the first day I saw him again and spoke with him, and I felt nothing! Let's hope this time it will stay this way.

Will be spending this weekend as much as I can inside, relaxing hanging and study a bit. Exactly what I need.

on my to do list:

- cut out psycho people

- catch up on german literature

(for school, not for fun)

XO

cigarette stained lies

tonight

I asked my bestie what the best advice was I have ever given her, she answered, like immediately, almost weird: 'Defnitely the time when I wanted to quit smoking and you told me: 'you can quit and be boring when you have kids and you're 40', never felt bad after that night when lightning a cigarette!'

Aww am so glad my wisdom spreads :)

just shooting for stars on a saturday night

don't know what to say, think or believe anymore. I almost forgot how people can let you down, can dissapoint and let you fall. Almost. Just when I thought I was blessed to be surrounded with true friends and real people who had their best interest in me, they suprised me. I'm so tired of all the lies surrounding me and so tired of fake people. I forgot what it was like to be so dissapointed.