donderdag 5 mei 2011

broken.

I apologize for not blogging so long. My life took a unexpected, beautiful turn a couple months back but it ended badly and here I am, spending my days in bed crying my heart out. You know that Ex I've talked about before? The one I've been in love with for the last 5 years but was in a serious relationship with one of my best friends? There's always been something between us, and 3 months back he broke up with her, for me..

She had no clue of course that I was the reason, and at first I told him to stay away from me since my friend was heartbroken about it. I felt so bad. But he kept on approaching me saying things like I can't stay away from you I want to be with you. After turning him down a couple times I gave in, because from deep within there's no one else I long for so badly.

So for the past 2,5 months we've been together, in secret, every moment we could be together we were. Talked every day for 3 hours on the phone, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to meet each other in the parking lot, both leaving the bar an hour early to go to his or mine place. We were together nonstop, going for drinks in bars we knew no one familiar would be, and just laying in eachother arms for hours and for the first time I felt what true love felt like. I have never felt more happy than the last 2,5 months spending with him, but at the same time I felt this anxiety. For the first time, I had someone to lose, only the thought of it made me gasp for air.

And than, he came in contact with his Ex again, only to found out he still had feelings for her, and now, they're back together. I was dumped by the person I've been in love with for 5 years and especially after these couple of months I know I can't love anyone else as much as I love him. But he's back with her now.

I've never felt like this, I never ever experienced these kinds of feelings before. My heart feels heavy and I'm torn from the inside. And everything I hear or see reminds me of him and it still panicks me, I'm absolutely positiv there is no one else for me I can adore this much, I want to be with 24/7. What am I supposed to do now? It hurts so bad, I never knew the human being was able to feel this pain. I normally listen to music nonstop, but even housemusic makes me cry right now. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It was only 2,5 months we actually spend together but I can't imagine going on without him. I've never felt this needy, winy and dependent. The hard part is also, because it was so secret, there's no one right now I can talk to because no one except for us knew about it.

Writing it down made me feel a little better, I hope I didn't bore you. I'm going to lay in bed right now. X

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