I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season

#ohh studying drives me crazy these days. I'm in my final exames now of highschool. And I really really need to graduate, I have to, I must. I wanna leave this school and this town so bad and so so ready for something new. So I'm studying my but off and it's going pretty well I think, I'm staying optimistic. One more week and I'm done with my exames, summerholiday will officialy start and I just can't waith!

#Also right after my exames I'm going to this awesome 3-day festival in Holland, it will for sure be fun, me and my gals will finally be done with studying so we'll be probably drinking and partying till sun rises. Yes the sun, the weather here is so lovely it makes me craving for white wine and late nights.

#boyyyytrouble in paradise, again, this boy I talked about before who I once was in love with and never really got over. You know that one boy you keep comparing new boyfriends to and when you walk into a bar you notice him right away and for the rest of the night you're keeping an eye on him. There are days when he doesn't even cross my mind and there are days when I think about him 24/7 it makes me sick to my stumach and can't sleep. This has been going on for 4 years and I wonder if I'll ever get over him. I didn't even mention the hardest part: he's in a relationship with one of my best friends at the moment, for 2 years now. They're so in love and such a perfect couple. I'm happy for her but seeing them together and having to hear all her stories about him and things they're doing.. I don't know how much longer I can take this. So this boy is approaching me again, he did this before. Until last week he didn't cross the line. The things he said about his girlfriend, than about me, about what we ever were. It was crazy. I'm ignoring him and ignoring his calls and texts. But this is hard while he's the one person I'm longing for and the one person who ever makes me feel butterflies. But it's the right thing to do right?

#Something very very different but also a thought on my mind; gossip girl is being overrated. I do have to say I'm still watching it because it's entertaining, I like the romance between Chuck&Blair and I like to see what they're wearing. But if you think about the good old OC, it's CRAP. It's not realistic and the world there is one big conspiracy. I miss the OC, that was such a good show.

Ok I have to start studying now :)
xx

the catch

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

- Carrie Bradshaw

margherita

from far away I hear a voice I recognize from our fights.
About little misunderstandings. About big desillusions.

I notice the cold sound from your anger you kept inside. But what more can I do than cry, if I couldn't have seen this coming?

In a rage I hear you say, that you want to give this all up. That you want to take everything I cherish in this life.

And I'm listening how your words are striking me with this destroying power.

This coldness drives me crazy, and this feeling is terrifying. But your words continue.

Why haven't you told me earlier that you've been so alienated from me?

Why've you been talking about love, when all this time, you never loved me?

I'm losing myself to the despair, I feel my tears burning. There's no place I'd rather be than in your arms right now.

But everything that has always made me feel so safe, turned out to be one big lie.

It's like someone else has crawled into your body. And I don't even know how he got there.

To erase your love, to destroy my world, is there no one out there who wants tell me.. that this all was just a dream?


These are the beautiful lyrics from a beautiful dutch song 'Margherita' from Marco Borsato(absolutely the best singer from holland, you may know him from duets with Andrea Bocelli or Lucie Silvas), I translated the lyrics to English (and changed some things because sometimes the dutch expressions just doesn't make sence in english), but you should really check it out, the song always makes me cry a little, so beautiful and touching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WKAdqUoBcM

we gonna show this town how to kiss the stars

I just returned from NYC and goddd what a city.. I've never been to New York or even America before and I've been looking forward to this week for sooo long and oh it was worth waiting for! It's such a different world. The high buildings, suprisingly nice sweet and warm people, the delicious (and cheap!) food, I ate cupcakes & cheesecake for the first time, so delicious! And the shops, holy shit, so many beautiful warehouses such as macy's and so many small cute boutiques! My hotel was in the middle of Manhattan next to Times Square, luckily the bomb didn't go off. Also Central Park was so beautiful and nice and quite in contrast to the busy loud city! I loved the city at night, all those beautiful lights.. Though I loved the tourist side of town, I adore soho/greenwich village. It was a little bit less busy/touristique and more actual new yorkers! I loved every minute of New York, I felt home.

And since all the drama and problems I'm having with boys I forget all about how fun it is just to flirt and nothing more, to sit at a restaurant having dinner and having a good time and suddenly you look up to this hot guy who's sitting a couple tables away, you keep looking at him until he looks back, your eyes meet and than the game begins, and it never goes further than this, I love this game. And I'm actually good at this part, but when he starts talking and you get to know eachother and he wants so meet again and exchange phonenumbers the fun is gone for me. I love the mystery.

But all good things come to an end and I'm soso tired and jetlagged but I have to face reality and have to study and work again. But me and New York will for sure meet again someday!

twothousand years of chasing has takin its toll

So my pc has crasheddd, I knew it was only a matter of time since appaerently I was having a illegal version of windows (???) and was downloading so much my computer couldn't take it anymore. Which really sucks since all my music and pics and movies and tvshows and schoolwork I've been gathering over the last 6 years are all gone now, never made backups.. stupid stupid stupid me.

my life at school isn't really working out for me, I only have a few more weeks left but I just can't waith to leave this hellhole they call highschool. Not so much because of the people in it, they make it more fun, but because of the retarded teachers who decided to turn our highschool into some sort of prison.

I want to kick every man who has ever said that girls are complicated/hard to figure out/from another planet or anything like this. It's really them making EVERYTHING complicated!! The guy I'm currently dating has giving me signals he's really really into me and he always takes the lead when it comes to dating, but now he's ignoring my calls and texts, really I don't even like him that much, just tell me what the * is on your mind? Next to that there's this guy I was in love with 4 years ago and never really got over and still think about almost everyday but I decided to leave things at this since he made it very clear he wasn't into me. So now, he's texting me and approaching me and flirting with me like crazy!! Stop messing with my head please.

VERYY excited for friday, when I'll be leaving good old Amsterdam for NEW YORK!!! I. can't. waith. any. LONGERRRRR! never been here before, never even been in America! and now I'm going with my family for one week. Saved all my money for the last couple of months to shop BIG TIME! ooh makes my heart sing.

So now I have to go study for my English test tomorrow, I'll just have to go through the last days here at school and than get ready for NYC! helllyezzz
xx

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him. I'd play a song that would never ever end.

So this was kind of a hard week. It always is this time of the year. Yesterday was the day my father died 3 years ago. It has already been 3 years but it still feels like I'm still accepting and getting used to the fact that he is no longer around and never will be. My father and I were a team. Always have been. For my whole life it has been my mother and my brother against me and my father. Of course I'm doing fine with my mother & brother. But I miss my father. I miss having him around and sharing my stories with him. It all happened very sudden 3 years ago. He was a confused men and was dealing with his issues alot, let's just say at some point he couldn't deal with this stuff anymore. I hate saying the word. Let's just say he found his way out. I never understood his decision and I think I never will. But I'm ok with it now, I accept it. But it doesn't take away the pain of missing him. He was the one who knew me the best and understood me. I don't believe in God, I don't believe in life after dead, but I do like to hold on to the thought that someday we will meet again. Sometime, at some place.
xx